In the beginning: Excerpts from my yoga teacher training journal.
Today was a very empowering day for me. I felt good and comfortable in not only my practice, but in my surroundings as well. I was happy to get “on my mat”.
I feel like I am giving off an incredible vibe right now that is drawing my family into my joy. I want to hold on to that. This is what yoga gives me and has always given me even though sometimes I may lose my way.
I have taken some time to really think about why I feel a connection with yoga. I have to say it fills a void in my life. Looking way back (before my practice was a consistent presence in my life) I see that I was wandering a bit. A little aimless in spirituality and its connection to my mind and body. I am much more grounded with yoga’s presence in my life.
Then after I had children of my own I felt even more confused b/c I didn’t & don’t want them to feel lost, but I (in the beginning of their lives) had no religious direction for them either. Now, with yoga, I give them gentle guidance and when asked by my kids how we pray, I tell them we pray through yoga. I’m still learning, but it is something……
Community is so important to me and right now it is lacking. In New York (pre-kids) I was very rooted in my work community. Then we had our first baby and moved to Philly. While in Philly we continued to grow as a family and added two more babies to our crew. In doing this I became very connected with not only a very strong and stable friend community, but a yoga community as well. I was content. Then life sent a curve and back to New York we go. The whole cycle starts again…
I am feeling a little defeated right now. After last weekend’s “teaching exercises” I am a little nervous that I may not have the “teaching component” to this whole thing. I know I need to get out of my own head about it, but teaching is something I really want to do.
Ahhhh patience, it is one (among many) things I have to work on most. I am all about instant gratification. A project comes up, I get it done . An idea pops into my head or even comes into my realm I am constantly thinking, plotting & planning on how to make it happen. Slowly I have been trying to ease up and let things come more organically, but it is an extreme challenge for me. I guess the good part about it is that I know it is something I need to pay attention to. I never thought teaching would be “easy”. I just thought that since I am a pretty social person it may not be so hard.
My husband and I have been talking a lot about what I want for my self from this training. He has noticed such a change in my general behavior& outlook. I have been putting off taking this training for 2 years because I felt that I didn’t know enough about yoga to “earn” the right to receive such a gift (as this training has been for me). The entrepreneur side of me is always interested in being a part of owning a business . There is another part of me that feels like I need to practice patience and allow something to form organically.
Dreaming big scares me because it generates energy in the “dream” and then what if it doesn’t happen or I can’t make it happen? Through my recent journey in my yoga teacher training I am finding that even if I can’t make the specific dream/goal happen there are many ways to reach an end result that may have similar effects or better effects!
As far as the illumination aspect, dreaming big illuminates who I am deep inside. What I have to offer or at least hope to offer. It really is a nice way of practicing loving-kindness towards self. You dream and see what you want for yourself, those close to you, the community and even if you never even try to make it happen, you know it is in your heart.